02/12/10, 8:38 AM

what was he thinking right before he did it? did he not remember our agreement? if he really loves me, why would he still have continued, knowing the consequences? does he love me at all? how do i know that he loves me?

it is a good thing that he had the courage to confess, but the same thoughts keep circling in my head: at that moment, just before he took the first step, he must have known the consequences; and, knowing the consequences, why did he go ahead??

and what does 'before [he] knew it' mean anyway. "before i knew it, i was looking at girls," he said. what crap. even if he somehow got dragged into it 'before he knew it', he could've stopped the moment he found himself looking at girls. and again that question: he knew full well the consequences, so why didn't he??

does he love me at all???

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what do you do when you feel ugly
when around you lie coins of beauty
but you, dull penny, are drab and grey?

what do you do when you cannot hold
the gaze of your lover that roams after gold
and you, dirt penny, rusts away?

what can you do when you cannot be sure
of the love of the man that was to endure
for life, dull penny, for life.

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22/11/10, 2:12 PM

god is ALWAYS workin in ur life. despite appearances. he's rite ther w u, workin it all out fr good.

romans 8:28 - and we know that god causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him.

god is rite there in every situation.

esther. did incredible things, saved th nation. but in the book of esther, there is no mention of god. no miracles, no burning bush or parting red sea or machine guns. she trusted a god tht she knew was there. incredible faith that god is on her side.

god is on ur side!

the king was after a new queen coz th old one didnt turn up at the party. held a beauty pageant. she becomes the wife of the king, she forgot to tell him she was jewish; the evil guy with the english accent is called hamen, he gets all ticked off, wanted to kill the jews, mordecai (esther's uncle) was freakin out, he goes to esther and tells her to do sth because she was jewish too.she chooses th hard road. so she does, hamen gets hanged and mordecai the prime minister.

1. today is the day.
mordecai to esther:who knows if god's called u fr such a time as this?

YOUR TIME IS NOW. you were born for this time. now is the moment.

people can stay neutral because they're either obsessed with the past or obsessed w the future. the past - holdin on t grievances. th future - one day im going to.

WRITE NOW. maybe we never will, if thats our attitude. TODAY is what affects tmr.

2. PURPOSE. if we link our lives tgthr n do sth we'll achieve things. what is our purpose? 2 corinthians 5:17- god has given us the task of reconciling ppl back to him. whatever ure doing in life, the church links us tgthr. the church will reveal christ to ppl. imagine if wherever we are, wer reconcilin ppl w christ - nt bein weird abt it, bt just being normal n asking christ to unlock their hearts.

3. conviction tht her purpose was to save th nation. her dress size didnt bother anymore. its only within christ tht we find out who we are and what wer livin for.
'and so i will go to the king and if i perish, i perish' - she didnt need all the conditions perfect, she just firmly went ahead.

god is causing everything to work together for good. joseph- what was meant for evil, god turned it arnd for good. he's doing his work rite nw.

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17/11/10, 11:43 PM

These are the things i am fasting and praying for:
1. the turning of daddy's heart to God.
2. the turning of daddy's heart and affection to mummy.
3. that he wld recognise god's love, unveiled to him thru mummy.
4. that he wld be freed from the shackles of adultery and love for an adulteress.
5. that mummy will be given the will and strength and love to continue unveiling god's love to daddy.
6. mummy's freedom from the bondage of fear, grief and worry, and will trust in God and be given peace that transcends all understanding.
7. that james wld draw near to God and God will draw near to him.
8. james' freedom from sexual bondage.
9. keith's freedom from emotional bondage to larisa.
10. my freedom from emotional bondage to james - for me to always have joy and security in myself for who God made me to be, to not be affected by james' sin but to understand that it is not him but satan making him do such stuff, to be patient and have faith in God to free him, and to keep pouring love on him, regardless of what he does.
11. aaron and mike's freedom and salvation.
12. pris' freedom and salvation.
13. rini's freedom and salvation.
14. that i'll be able to unveil god's love to all my friends, not just my non-christian friends.

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07/11/10, 5:07 PM

pain. the tears wont stop. help!!! my heart is aching, its aching so bad, a deep deep pain in my chest that won't stop.

muffy. how many promises he's broken ... and each worse than the last. he seems to keep hitting me with wave upon wave of pain, each greater than the last, because only he has the power to do so. i dont even hurt that bad over daddy.

for months he's not done porn .. he's not lusted, and i had confidence in him; i could trust him when he said he wld keep himself pure in aus. but now, just as the date of his departure gets ever nearer, his old sins seem to be coming back.

to think of him holding another girl in his arms in his mind ... to think that he intentionally broke the safety barriers that i set for him, and intentionally went searching for videos of other girls ... to think that he lusted over them and masturbated to them ...pain, god help me, there's such a deep burning pain thats tormenting me.

how can i trust him now. how can i even touch him now, or hold those hands that have caressed some other girl willingly. especially while we've been fasting from cuddling. at least when we were cuddling, his desires were fulfilled by me. now it seems like hes forsaken me for others, and i feel so betrayed, i feel like i cant trust him anymore. when he goes overseas, and he comes into contact with all those beach babes wearing dresses that he likes, nice hot sweet girls who come up to him and want his touch, how can i trust that he wld resist??

it just seems so hopeless, god, tht after all my efforts to help james overcome this thing, satan can just so easily stumble us again, and in such a sly way - he started from annabel, for cryin out loud; made me reveal my password so tht james has no barrier ... god arent u supposed t deliver us from evil and protect us from all this, how can u let satan step all over us so easily how can u let his cunning win. i wasnt careful enough, i wasnt alert enough, i wasn't at the edge of my toes enough. i shouldve made sure the password was changed immediately.

james ... its like i dont know him anymore. i dont know what to expect of him in future. i have lost hope and trust in him. australia now seems like an insurmountable mountain, a road that would lead to lots and lots of pain ... thoughts of giving up are entering my head now ... do i want to face such great future pain, do i really want to experience what larisa did? i don't know... perhaps i shd save myself the hurt, perhaps i shd tell james lets give this up, lets wait till he comes back before we decide if we still want to be together or not.

i dont want to lose james, but i feel like ... i feel like i cant face him rite now. i cant hold his hand and go to sleep, no, i'll keep thinking of those hands running down the body - willingly running down the body - of some other girl. how can he think im beautiful if he keeps doing this, if he keeps filling his mind with other girls; how can he think im the most beautiful woman on earth when his mind as so many images of other girls? i feel like because of this tainted mind its impossible for me to satisfy him to the highest potential anymore. it takes so damn long for images to be removed from his mind, for him to get back his purity, and he just blew it

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30/10/10, 3:55 PM

Give No Foothold - Hillsong Church London
eph 4:27 give no place to the devil.

jesus christ is the most positive thing in the universe. don't be pessimistic.

isaiah.
first five chapters: negative things, gloom and doom
then encounter with god - train fills the temple
suddenly good things prophecied, blessing, hope

the train filled the temple. no room fr any defeat because the train of god filled the temple with victory. our body is the temple. we're to be so filled with the victory of god, the atmosphere of the church & our lives is one of victory. no matter whats goin on, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY. everytime the devil tries to attack, we go, but the word says he's my healer, my god is greater and stronger.

we must guard ourselves from giving place to the enemy. dont allow ur circumstances t get inside of us.

david was down and out, but then he 'encouraged HIMSELF in the lord' - when he encouraged himself, and to all the discouraged ppl he said follow me wer gna prevail. dont join in to th negative voices, but lead in example. if you as a leader will get encouraged, every1 else is encouraged.

bring joy back to ur home, ur family.walk by faith and not by sight.

JOY IS COMING BACK TO YOUR HOUSE.

david's wife abigail got captured. abigail is gna be returned to ur hse!

get this into ur head:
my god is giving
my god is gracious
my god is strong!
my god is alive
my god is knowing, he knows it all!
jehovah is my friend
jehovah will provide!

u cant get discouraged because jesus is in you! god does not have defeat in ur future. his word for u tonight is victory. fill ur temple with his promises!

faith. everything's gna b alright. the only thing btwn me and great joy is time; i just need to hold on.

my god is stronger my god is gr8er and if my god is for me who can be against me

spirit of victory!

god is faithful!

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29/10/10, 6:39 PM

power of tongues - city church podcast, bob sorge.

gen 3:15
first time cross is mentioned in th bible. god th father speak of th cross in conversation with satan. 'i will put enmity btwn u n th woman. ... he (jesus) shall bruise ur head n u (satan) shall bruise his heel.' when jesus was on th cross it did not feel like a bruisin of th heel. it felt like bein crushed.
when ure in th middle of ur trial it feels like ure bein crushed. every part of ur being is being put apart. bt theres a perspective tht god wants t giv u. god wants t use ur trial t bloody th head of ur adversary. there comes a time when u realise ooh i sure took it in the heel alright, bt my enemy has been bloodied in th head, and rues th day he messed w me, because i pressed into th heart of god, i gave myself t prayer and fasting, i pressed into gods purpose.
as bloodied as jesus was on th cross,satan was mre bloodied by the cross than jesus! god wants u t walk thru this trial so tht whn u come out of it ur enemy is bloodied!

rev 5 a scroll written inside n on th back. strong angel proclaimin who is worthy t open th scroll? no one was able/found worthy. bt one of th elders said behold th lion of the tribe of judah has prevailed, t open th scroll n t loose its 7 seals. 7 arms n 7 eyes, th 7 spirits of god, went out.
scroll - th destiny of the planet. no one found who could unlock gods destiny for our lives bt jesus prevailed. jesus is gna lead this planet back t th heart of th father. he'll rule th nations of th earth because he prevailed t open th scroll.
if u allow god t perfect th journey u also will prevail t unlock ur scroll.
ur cross is an opportunity fr u t prevail over ur adversary so u may unlock ur destiny.
ur destiny is nt in this life. this is an internship programme. wer in trainin sch. ur real destiny is in th age t come. if u prevail nw u will gain th authority t unlock ur scroll then and enter into ur true eternal destiny.

the gr8est honour in davids life was being quoted 3 times on th cross. 'my god my god y hv u frsaken me','i thirst','into ur hands i commit my spirit' - jesus was lookin fr language t express th pain of his soul and reached out t david. david suffered! what kind of a journey wld u hv t walk in order t write the kind of thing jesus wld wna quote on the cross?? it was th suffering in davids life tht empowered him t write those kinda songs!

the trial - the pain, the unknown, the darkness, the perplexity - ure walkin thru rite nw cn unlock u into a fellowship, a communion w jesus. jesus has walked ur path.

everytime th cross comes into ur life and u lay ur life down, it moves u forward into the next portion of ur destiny.

joseph is 17 yrs old, he is honourin god, loving the lord, walkin in obedience n integrity. god says to joseph good job son, ure goin into slavery. joseph has a cross - his brothers rejected him, sold him, hes in a faraway land; if anyone had a reason t b bitter it was joseph. joseph decides t say yes t the nails. submits his heart t god n decides hes gna love god in th midst of it.n he cultivates so many skills,hes faithful.god says good job, into prison u go. and joseph went into prison because he did everything rite.and because he said yes t the nails, to the cross, god lifts him outta prison and he became th second most powrful man in the wrld!

bob is 22 yrs old, college, bible sch. they hv a dress code. he rly doesnt like the dress code. then they changed th dress code; no mre corduroys. his pride was rising up. bt th spirit said bob wld u b willin t b treated like a 3yr old? th cross went rite thru him, he was like im my own man i choose my own clothes bt yes god i am willing t be treated like a 3yr old. allowin the cross t do devastation t his pride.

bob is 41 yrs old. bob poured his heart out into this church bt because of his voice they decided they didnt want him anymore; his assistant used th position bob gave him t squeeze him out. bob had a decision t make;hes 41, what t do? in tears he said lord i lay it down, yes t th cross, resigned th church, released t the lord, moved t another city, and he looks back nw ... god has released him t go to the next part of the journey. his voice is goin further than he wld hv if he had held on to a position in a lil local church.

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